Finding Colours in the Dark
by Grav
Summary: There are times when you can pretend that it’s all fine and nothing ever happened. Spoilers for LDYB


**AN**: I remixed this story from lyssie's wonderful "Why Colors Disappear", which can be found on her livejournal.

**Summary**: There are times when you can pretend that it's all fine and nothing ever happened.

**Characters**: Jeanne, Paulla, Gina, Gaius

**Pairings**: none

**Rating**: Teen

**Warnings**: mentions rape and torture, all canonical, spoilers up to the end of season two.

* * *

**Finding Colours in the Dark (the U-Turn Remix)**

You do everything that Gaius asks.

You do it because he's different from the other men who come here. He never offers to pay, for starters. He just assumes it would be given for free. And it is. But at the same time it isn't, and you wonder what he'll do when he realizes the price he's going to pay.

You know better than most that everyone pays in the end.

There are times when you can pretend that it's all fine and nothing ever happened.

The new one, the one Gaius brought you, is different. You've seen her in the shower, robe pulled so tightly around her thin body you think you can count her ribs. There is a pain about her that you recognize. The person who broke her loved her first. If you let yourself, you'd remember what that's like.

But you spend your days washing it away, using as much water was you can before the laundry ration expires.

You realize, slowly, that she is not what she seems.

She's stronger than you'll ever be, for starters, for all it looks like you could break her in half with your bare hands. There's something tempered in her that you could never match. Gaius knows what it is, but you know in your heart that he will never tell you. You decide in the end that she is as touched by God as he is, and therefore beyond your judgment.

You stop complaining when she sings in the shower and offer her better songs the ones she already knows.

Whatever happened to her, she waits for death.

You stopped waiting for death a long time ago. When the worlds ended, you finally realized that God wanted you alive, even though you wanted it to end. You hate it, and you might even hate Him, but you'll keep going anyway. And you'll do your best to keep everyone else going too.

When she does finally end it, you don't want to be anywhere near her; it isn't going to be small.

She has nightmares. She calls out to her sisters in her sleep.

Your own nightmares are different, quiet and creeping. You find yourself sharing them with her, something you haven't even done with Paulla. She shows you scars that make your own marks look like child's play, and you fall asleep thanking God that He hasn't tested you the way He tested her.

In your dreams, you hear her whisper "The Cylons didn't want this war", and you wonder how she knows.

Gaius comes to visit more now that she is here.

You hear the whispers of the other women. They know that God has plans for them. Paulla says that someday Gaius will be found out, and _Galactica_ won't want him anymore. You are just about to start planning for that day when the world as you know it ends again.

You feel the ground beneath your feet and are surprised to learn that you remember how to dance.

You gave her most of the power she has.

It was easy. One day there was a dispute and you were busy and she took care of it, and all of a sudden she was the one they took their problems to. You relaxed. You rejoiced. You let her take on your mantle, and you never looked back. You didn't realize how much you enjoyed the power until it was gone.

You hate her a little bit for that, but the planet below calls to you, and you let go of your misgivings.

One day, there is a flare in the sky above your heard, and you know that your home is gone.

You were setting up the house on New Caprica, the one where you and Paulla will live with the women who choose to "be of service", as the deed from Gaius Baltar's Presidential desk reads. As if you ran a boarding house.

Suddenly, your new home is all you have, and there is nowhere else to go.

You wonder what path she has set you on.

She's trapped you here, in this hell of her making, and she won't be here to help you through it. You will find a new home. You will make footholds on another ship, on all the ships, if Paulla has her way. And if you ever need the stars again, God will find a way for you to live among them.

Because you know that it's God's path, in the end. And that gives you hope again. That's got to be something.

**end of line**

Gravity_Not_Included, April 14, 2010


End file.
